Need a Laugh list your jokes here for all to see

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?    

  If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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Sources

• http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/SectionA/funny?section=Jokes_AllTime_Funniest

I was watching Glen Beck tonite and he read this email that was forwarded to him...well I googled it and here you go...pretty good eh? Obituary: Common Sense We received this in an email and it really hit home for us, I imagine for many of us it will. My parents told me about Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on her when making decisions. It seems she was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read her obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations. Obituary: Common Sense Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old she was since her birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. She will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge). Her health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place like: reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened her condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job the parents themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. She declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by her parents, Truth and Trust; her husband, Discretion; her daughter, Responsibility; and her son, Reason. She is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim. Not many attended her funeral because so few realized she was gone. If you still remember her, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. This was an email I received not sure of the author. Copyright remains with the author.

Friday Night Poker:     A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife.   "OK, that's it, guys   ," Roger said.       "This is positively the last deal   

 Doctor Doctor!      A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.  "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.       "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.        As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.    "In fact,   there are three doctors there already!"

 Rent Money: "  That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.   "You didn't do it, did you?"    "I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings,     I might add.   What I haven't done, though,  is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

 Blonde Poker: A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino.   "I hope you don't mind,"  she said,  "but I play better when I'm naked."    She then proceeded to undress.   On the very first hand, after some heavy betting,   she was head's-up in a monster pot.   After the dealer turned over the river card,   she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming,   "I won! I won! I won!"      The dealer,  flustered , pushed  her the pot.    "What'd she have?"    the loser asked the dealer. "I don't know," the dealer said.      "I thought YOU were watching."

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Sources

• http://www.smokepoker.com/poker-resources/poker-jokes.php#fridaynightpoker

Drop Dead: Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand,  clutches his chest  and  drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen comrade,   the other five complete their playing time standing up.      Roberts looks around and asks,  "Now,  who is going to tell the wife?"     They draw straws. Rippington,  who is always a loser, picks the short one.    They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. " Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.    Discretion is my middle name, l  eave it to me."    Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door,    the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

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Sources

• http://pokerforum.net/

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine..

. (1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (

4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine...

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again:

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine...

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her “night off” and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Sources

• this was a e-mail

Where are you going?" demands a surprised husband. "Going To Las Vegas! I hear there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!" The husband scratched his head and started packing his bags. "What are you doing?" she asked..."I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

20 Years With My Wife     A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.  She put on her robe and went downstairs.  He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.  He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall.    She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.  "What's the matter dear?    Why are you down here at this time of night?"   she asked. 

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes I do." she replied.  "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?  " "Yes I remember."    "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said      .'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?       " "Yes I do", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,       

" You know I would have gotten out today."

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Sources

• E-mail form a freind

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned      

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.     The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.             The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.                    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon,   the Minister reported the following results: 

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.           The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead          Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead         Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation  - What did you learn from this demonstration?      Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, '    

As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' That pretty much ended the service --

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Sources

• e-mail

This was another email sent to me by one of my team mates, I don't know it origins...but it's funny... TEXAS Sheriff's EXAM A MAN SEEKING TO JOIN A SOUTH TEXAS SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY A DEPUTY SERGEANT. THE SERGEANT DOING THE INTERVIEW SAYS: "YOUR QUALIFICATIONS ALL LOOK GOOD, BUT THERE IS AN ATTITUDE SUITABILITY TEST THAT YOU MUST TAKE BEFORE YOU CAN BE ACCEPTED." THEN, SLIDING A SERVICE PISTOL ACROSS THE DESK, HE SAYS, "TAKE THIS PISTOL AND GO OUT AND SHOOT SIX ILLEGAL ALIENS, SIX METH DEALERS, SIX MUSLIM EXTREMISTS, AND A RABBIT." "WHY THE RABBIT ?" "GREAT ATTITUDE," SAYS THE SERGEANT. "WHEN CAN YOU START ?"

A little known fact... The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

My wife suggested playing a sex game to spice up our sex life...unfortunately........guess who i shagged last night..........didn,t go down too well 

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said    "2 to 4 years"

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Sources

• e-mail

Office Prayer

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

 the courage to change the things I cannot accept,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they ticked me off.

 Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the a**   that I
may have to kiss tomorrow.

report  card

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? 
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? 
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. 
 

e=mail     

Dog vs Fox

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox? 
A: About five drinks.  
      

Southsidecan.you should be on the STAGE.........THERE,S ONE LEAVING IN 5 MINS...

I lost my Dad

 

A small boy was crying his eyes out at a football match. Seeing his plight, a
policeman came up to him and asked what the problem was.
"I've lost my dad," cried the boy. "What's he like?" asked the policeman.
"Beer, fags and women," said the boy.

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Sources

• www.jokepier.com/

My wife ran away with my best friend........i really miss him 

Blonde joke  Came home from work,said to the wife "what are you doing?"..........".I,m doing this jigsaw of a cockerel.....but it,s really difficult" she replied................ i said..............."put the cornflakes back in the box".....

Nick asked Paddy how his parachute jump went..................Well Nick, when they opened the door i was to scared to jump.so one of the guys pulled down his zip and said he had 12inches....and he would use it on me if i didn,t jump.............Did you jump then? asked Nick............"Just when the first bit went in " answered Paddy

WATCH THIS ??

stand by when you hear the five most dangerous things in the marine corps:

 
1.a private saying, "i learned this in basic training..."

2.a sergeant saying, "trust me, sir..." 

3.a second lieutenant saying, "based on my experience..."

4.a captain saying, "i was just thinking..." 

5.a sergeant major chuckling, "watch this s***..." 
      

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Sources

• www.jokepier.com

CONTROL ISSUES

Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking
about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, "What about you?
What kind of control do you have over your wife?"

The third man turns to the first two and says, "Well, I'll tell you, just the
other day I had her on her knees."

The first two men were dumbfounded.

"Whoa! What happened next?", they asked, inching closer to hear what the third
man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, "Yep. I had
her on her knees. Until she started screaming, 'Get out from under the bed and
fight like a man!'"

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Sources

• e-mail

God Sent You

 

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her 
mother told her, "God sent you." 
Did God send you, too?" asked the child. 
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied. 
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted. 
He sent them also," the mother said. 
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child. 
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently. 
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! 
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here." 

      

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Sources

• ://www.jokepier.com/

Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, a fight broke out in the delivery room.
There was a brawl over who got to slap her mom first.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.

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Sources

• www.jokepier.com/